Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

          Life is full of challenging questions.  One of the most soul-wrenching questions is whether you should stay in your struggling marriage (relationship) or not.  This decision impacts every aspect of your life.  With so much on the line, this decision is difficult and overwhelming.  Many women ask themselves, “What happened to my marriage and can it be saved?”

          Two key ingredients for any successful relationship are a sense of “connection” and “care-giving”, which we all desire.  Early in a relationship, we enjoy a fun connection and would do anything to help each other.  Kindness and affection flows easily. 

          As the relationship becomes more established, our attention broadens to other interests, such as careers, children, friends, family, and volunteering.  While these interests are great, they sometimes threaten our relationship and the sense of connection we share.  Now our care-giving is offered to all these other interests instead.  By the end of the day, there’s not much energy left for connecting and caring for one another.  After weeks, months and years of being focused elsewhere, your connection has withered and both of you feel hurt and neglected, but you no longer turn to each other for care-giving.  You get your needs met through work, children, family and friends and begin to criticize each other for not caring enough.  What was once a great relationship has become the source of your frustration, hurt, and sadness.  At this point, you begin to wonder whether you should stay or go.

          The “divorce assumption” in our culture suggests a person struggling in their marriage only has two options.  They can stay married and be unhappy or get a divorce in the hopes of finding happier days.  However, a study from the University of Chicago challenges this assumption.  In her study, Sociologist Linda Waite discovered that 80% of the unhappily married couples on the verge of divorce reported being happily married five years later, if they stayed together and worked on their connection.  Unfortunately, those who pursued divorce reported the same level of unhappiness as before they divorced.  Waite concludes that they traded one type of stress and frustration for another and now struggle with lower self-esteem, conflict with children and their ex-spouse, less financial stability, and a sense that their life is fragmented.

          So what should you do before you decide to go…

          1)    Most women over 40 have spent many years caring for children, careers and families and need to re-evaluate their own wants and needs.  Take time for yourself to clarify your hopes and dreams by journaling, try yoga or talking with a trusted friend or spiritual leader.

          2)   Look for new, small ways to invite your spouse into re-connection.  Take short walks together after dinner; go on coffee dates often; or meet for lunch every few weeks.

          3)   Create a new relationship vision or dream.  Don’t discuss your dissatisfaction through criticism, but instead share what each of you would like “more of” in your relationship.

          4)   Consider working with a coach or therapist that can help you discover new ways of connecting and caring.  With a little help, you might be one of those couples that report being happily married five years from now.

          To stay or go is a big decision.  Whether you just started asking this question or have considered it for awhile, it can get better.  Don’t give up too soon.

by Sandy Berry

Thank goodness, Spring is here.  The air is fresh, we are able to go outside and play, and the sun actually exists!  It is a time of renewal.  So copy Spring and renew the energy in your love relationship!

One way to increase the energy in your relationship is to do something fun together.  Usually each person has their own idea of fun (which doesn’t always match their partner’s idea).  Ask your partner to do your fun this week, and then you will do their fun next week.  Take the time to have fun, play and laugh together.  And like Spring, it will brighten your relationship.

by Sandy Berry

Many of us learned how to treat others when we were children practicing the Golden Rule:  Do Unto Others As You Would Have Done Unto You.  It is a great standard.   Here is another great idea; it is the Platinum Rule that you can add to your standard rules that enhance your relationships.

The Platinum Rule states:  Do Unto Others As They Want You To Do Unto Them.

Every person has a unique way to see the world, and we would fair better in relationship if we learn what our partner wants or needs.  Would they prefer an act of service, a gift, words of affirmation, time spent together, or physical touch (suggestions from Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love languages).

Many times we give them what we think they would like or what we ourselves would like and assume they are like us.  Becoming observant to what people say they want, and to be curious about them, will help ensure that the loving gesture you desire to give them has the positive impact you intend.

by Sandy Berry

Imago Relationship Therapy is a theory that believes couples choose each other so that each person can grown into their full aliveness – full aliveness is that wonderful feeling you felt in the beginning of your relationship.  At some point in relationship, feeling fully alive begins to fade.  We find our relationship to be a place of conflict and lost hope.    Imago believes that this phase of all love relationships is a normal.  Our culture tells us to leave if a relationship gets too difficult.  But don’t leave!  Imago theory believes that the conflict in your relationship is an indicator that you are with the perfect person to help you grow into your full aliveness permanently.  In other words, conflict is a natural part of any relationship and is personal growth trying to happen.  It is through your own personal growth that you achieve your full aliveness.

In Imago Therapy, you are taught tools that help you and your partner understand the purpose of relationship.  It focuses on the connection between you and our partner, how you interrupt your connection and how to restore your connection.  It may be that communication gets distorted or arguments begin around differing beliefs about what to spend money on, how to raise the children, or who does the most work around the house.  There are many ways couples disconnect.  Imago relationship therapy is a way to understand these differences and how to resolve the conflict.

by Sandy Berry

A relationship “exit” is defined as ways you prevent intimacy by using energy to create conflict or to avoid involvement.

Exits are activities we do in order to avoid dealing with feelings we have about or toward our partner or our relationship.  Rather than talking with your partner, you choose not to discuss it with them and use that energy doing something else.  This leaks energy from your relationship and reduces your ability to resolve conflict or to increase intimacy.

Examples of exits are:

Major Exits might include affairs, addictions, or divorce.

Minor Exits might include cleaning the house, spending time with others (children, friends or family), or working too much.  These are not exits if they are things that need to be done.  They are exits when you use them as ways to avoid your partner.

Choose to close an exit by using the Couples Dialogue to talk with your partner about your concerns or feelings rather than doing your exit behavior.  This can be difficult in the beginning but with practice, it will create intimacy and help repair your relationship.