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by Caroline Steward

When considering individual therapy a person may run across several therapeutic methods or approaches.  Many of them are referred to by letters such as CBT, EFT, DBT, or EMDR.  EMDR is one of the methods we use to address how a person perceives and reacts to past experiences.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing or EMDR is a model of individual therapy that uses eye movements or other forms of bilateral stimulation to reprocess traumatic events.  What is meant by bilateral stimulation is that both sides of the brain are stimulated.   The eye movements stimulate both side of the brain, but an alternating tap on each knee or hand, or an alternating sound in each ear, may also be used.  While a person is focusing on the bilateral stimulation, they are also asked to focus on an event or events that are troubling.  Through this dual focus a person is then able to reprocess the events, and the events become less problematic for them.

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by Stephanie Lowe-Sagebiel

The ongoing issues of divorce never seem to get more complicated than when children are involved.  Many times, parents, who are still in the midst of dealing with their own grief and loss, feel completely overwhlemed when considering how to organize their children’s lives.  As a result, beleaguered parents may ask their attorneys and judges for assistance and may end up with something akin to the Indiana Parenting Guidelines.

Custody arrangements do not have to be left up to the courts.  You know your family and your children better than anyone.  Different arrangements can meet the needs of different personalities and parenting styles.  For example, the following scenarios show some creative ways that parents have been able to shape unique shared custody relationships. Read the rest of this entry »

by Sandy Berry

A relationship “exit” is defined as ways you prevent intimacy by using energy to create conflict or to avoid involvement.

Exits are activities we do in order to avoid dealing with feelings we have about or toward our partner or our relationship.  Rather than talking with your partner, you choose not to discuss it with them and use that energy doing something else.  This leaks energy from your relationship and reduces your ability to resolve conflict or to increase intimacy.

Examples of exits are:

Major Exits might include affairs, addictions, or divorce.

Minor Exits might include cleaning the house, spending time with others (children, friends or family), or working too much.  These are not exits if they are things that need to be done.  They are exits when you use them as ways to avoid your partner.

Choose to close an exit by using the Couples Dialogue to talk with your partner about your concerns or feelings rather than doing your exit behavior.  This can be difficult in the beginning but with practice, it will create intimacy and help repair your relationship.

If you find that this is your first holiday newly divorced, it is important to recognize that the holidays will not be the same. Even though you may do the same things, someone is missing. It may be an opportunity to create new traditions by celebrating all you can from the old- but in a new way. Another way to help manage the holidays is to break them into time periods in your mind so you don’t deal with them all at once. Take them one day at a time and one holiday at a time.

You may be stressed and sad about the things you will no longer be doing. When you grieve the losses from your divorce, give yourself a set time limit to cry and feel sad, then go on to other things. This may be hard, but you can do it. When the holiday is over, try to dwell on the positive parts of it.

Keep the future in mind. Remind yourself that you will recover and have high hopes about the next year. If you need further support, join a divorce or grief recovery group like New Day or Turning Point.

Dealing with other people can be difficult at times. The difficulty may arise with a spouse, a friend, a parent, a child or a coworker. The difficulty may involve making a request of the other person. It may be saying “no” and setting a limit. It may involve resolving tension in the relationship.

It can be challenging to maintain a balance between expressing your viewpoint clearly and doing so in a respectful and caring manner. Learning to negotiate constructively with others can reduce tension and stress and strengthen important relationships. Here are some suggestions to help with this:

1. Affirm the other person (his/her viewpoint or his/her importance to you).  Ex: “I know you care about me.”
2. Describe the problem neutrally. (Don’t use pejorative, evaluative language.)  Ex: “But when you were upset with me, you hung up the phone on me.”
3. Tell your reaction to the problem.  Ex: “And that really hurt my feelings.
4. Request a behavioral change.  Ex: “In the future, please tell me what has upset you and don’t hang up on me.”
5. Affirm any effort the other person makes to show he/she understands what you have said.  Ex: “I appreciate your apology.”

Adoption can be a wonderful way for a couple to become parents. Some people adopt because they are unable to conceive birth children. Some adopt for other reasons.  Whatever the motivation, adoption can be as rewarding as giving birth.

However, adoption is not for everyone. It, like birth parenting, involves a lifelong commitment. It is important for partners considering adoption to be sure that they are doing it for good reasons and with the right motivation. Both partners should be clear that they really want to be parents and that they will love an adoptive child just as they would a birth child. If deciding to adopt comes in response to relationship problems or pressure from other people to have a child, it might not be the best choice. Read the rest of this entry »

When we first fall in love, we automatically shower our partner with appreciations. And while appreciations continue to be an important part of a safe and healthy relationship, as time passes, it is normal to forget to tell our partner, think we already told them, or just stop noticing how special they are.

Giving, and getting, daily appreciations is one way to increase safety in relationship and rekindle feelings of love and connection. During the “Getting The Love You Want” workshop for couples, each partner receives an appreciation jar with their partner’s name on it. Every time they think of something they appreciate about their partner, they write it down and put it in their jar. At the end of the day, they read what their partner appreciates about them. It is fun to see their faces light up with excitement and joy.  Appreciations are easy, fun and positive investments in your relationship.  They can be about anything; a physical trait, character trait or an action.

The basic format is:

“One thing I appreciate about you is _________________.”

An example may sound like:

“One thing I appreciate about you is your smile.”

Just name the quality or action you value in your partner. It is a daily acknowledgement that you notice they are kind, generous, caring, funny, sensuous, etc. Try it daily for one week and see the joy and excitement in your partner’s face. By the end of the week you will see how this simple gift can transform your relationship.